Harry Potter and the Insufferable
by Daestwen
Summary: What happens when magic boys get put on a boat, with no magic. Chapter 2 newly added, Slash to come (though none yet. pity.).
1. Welcome to the Insufferable

Title: Harry Potter and the Insufferable Part: 1/? Authors: Daestwen (rogue1221@hotmail.com), Dincirithiel (donatien_is_sad@yahoo.com), Libby (rainbow_laughter@hotmail.com) Pairing: We are SO not telling. Warnings: This is. uh. what one would call. how do we put it? SLASH. Rating: PG-13 (huzzah) Summary: Magic boys on a boat. Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is god. Period. Author's note: We actually weren't high when we wrote this, believe it or not. We just watched about ten hours of Horatio Hornblower. Huzzah  
  
~*~  
  
"This is your chance to learn to work together as a team. For the next ten days, all four houses will eat, sleep, work and play together. This ship will be our tool to make our school work as both a community and a team."  
  
Harry groaned.  
  
Draco groaned.  
  
Snape scowled.  
  
And Peeves, in his joy, danced about the ship singing 'Mutiny! Mutiny! Black bloody Mutiny!' for no apparent reason other than to annoy everyone else.  
  
It was September, and the entire school of Hogwarts were split into two huge ships. All the girls on one, all the men (or people passing as men) were on the other. Dumbledore, at present, was on a broomstick (a very interesting sight) between the two ships as he made his speech. No one knew quite why they were on ships, but everyone figured that in the end it was simply because Dumbledore had a fancy for sailing, and needed an excuse to see his school work on two huge frigates.  
  
"I can't believe this." Draco muttered, glaring at no one in particular, but managing to look nasty all the same.  
  
"Oh, stuff it Malfoy." Ron growled, though he secretly was even less pleased than Draco himself.  
  
"Well, I don't know about you, Weasley, but I'm not looking forward to spending an entire ten days on some blasted muggle ship with you and none of the girls!"  
  
"Why, miss your whore already, do you Malfoy?" Ron sneered, and earned himself a kick in the groin, which consequently sent him into a ball upon the deck.  
  
"Back off, Draco!" Harry said, stepping in front of the moaning Ron to protect his untactful friend.  
  
"Why should I, Potter? Weasley isn't worth anyone's protection, though I'm sure yours comes cheap!"  
  
After this, however, the deck looked more like a fighting ring than a fighting vessel, and bothered Snape to the point that he actually soured his hands enough to pull the two boys apart, before Draco scratched Harry's eyes out.  
  
"Mr. Potter." Snape said dangerously, his eyes narrowing into slits so tiny they almost seemed to disappear, "You will not fight on this ship. Ten points will be taken from Gryffindor. AND-" He added, before Harry could interject, "If you try to speak back to me other than 'aye aye, sir' I will see to it that your life is miserable for the next ten days. Do you understand me, boy?"  
  
"Aye aye, sir." Harry grumbled, hardly noticing that Ron was still busy writhing on deck.  
  
"DISMISSED!" Dumbledore suddenly cried, reminding everyone that he had in fact been speaking up until this point.  
  
Snape hurried down to the Captain's cabin, which he had eagerly claimed, as the boys were led below decks to where they were very quickly appalled by the tiny hammocks that now replaced their usual four-posters.  
  
"This 'ere's the list for your bunks." Hagrid, who had led them below, pulled out the long scroll from his great coat. The fifth year boys, who were all centred in this part of the ship, huddled around Hagrid to try and be the first to see their bunk. The final years all got to be ranked as 'officers', though official positions were given only to the teachers. Harry still found it amusing to have to refer to Hagrid as a 'Lieutenant'. But not quite so amusing when having to address Snape as 'Captain'. That, at least, irked him.  
  
"'Ere you are, Harry." Hagrid said, pointing at one of the bunks, "That's your bunk there."  
  
"Thanks, Hagrid." Harry said, glumly dragging his small bag to the hammock. He swung his leg over one side, pulled himself up, and promptly fell off.  
  
"That was very smooth of you, Potter." Draco's cool voice drifted from the hammock beside Harry's. Harry picked himself up and dusted himself off, trying his hardest not to let his cheeks go red.  
  
"Harry, come on, ignore him, it's dinner and I'm starving." Ron, who took the bunk to the other side of Draco, walked over and literally started to drag Harry away, for which Harry was extremely thankful.  
  
Dinner, however, greatly disappointed Ron when he saw it. He literally groaned as he looked down at it.  
  
"They can't do this to me." Ron said, his spirits sinking as he spoke. Harry ignored him, and looked over as Snape walked into the mess hall, giving every boy present a nasty shock. The potions teacher was completely decked out in a traditional british naval uniform, and didn't look all to pleased about it either. Harry thought he heard a mumbled, 'damn blasted muggle navy', before Snape cleared his throat.  
  
"Because of the nature of this voyage, you will not be served with rations by the house elves. Instead, you will eat these ship rations. Not only that, but you will all clear your dishes after dinner has been finished. Fifth years have first watch. Good day." And with that he stalked out of the mess hall.  
  
Ron stared down at his plate, sobbed, and dropped his entire body onto the table, to lay there motionless. Harry looked at him, looked at his food, looked at the table, and looked back to Ron again, all the meanwhile wondering why Dumbledore would EVER put them on a ship like this in the FIRST place.  
  
Damn those fan fiction writers.  
  
T.B.C. 


	2. The Fight on the Yardarm

Title: Harry Potter and the Insufferable Part: Fight on the Yardarm (2/?) Authors: Daestwen (rogue1221@hotmail.com), Dincirithiel (donatien_is_sad@yahoo.com), Libby (rainbow_laughter@hotmail.com) Pairing: We are SO not telling. Warnings: This is. uh. what one would call. how do we put it? SLASH. Rating: PG-13 (huzzah) Summary: Magic boys on a boat. Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is god. Period. Author's note: We actually weren't high when we wrote this, believe it or not. We just watched about ten hours of Horatio Hornblower. Huzzah  
  
~*~  
  
"I can't believe they even made us clean off our plates . . ." Ron said as he looked off the railing of the quarterdeck. At least, that was what Snape had told them it was, but really it was just some part of the deck in nowhere in particular.  
  
"Would someone please tell me why on earth we have to have watches? It's not like anyone's going to attack . . ." Neville spoke up, and then suddenly got horrid visions of ships burning, and shut his mouth.  
  
"This is servant's work." Draco's voice was loud enough to hear even on the quarterdeck, though he was up in the rigging trying to put a reef in the main top'sl. In plain English, it meant he was trying to scrunch up one of the sails to make it shorter, though he wasn't doing a very good job. "And we're not allowed to use magic at all! Ten days I'm stuck here, TEN."  
  
"Be quiet Malfoy, or I'll have yeh reef the main'sl as WELL." Hagrid, the officer of the watch, called up.  
  
"I'll do no such thing." Draco muttered, but only Harry (who was helping him reef the top'sl) heard it.  
  
"Just shut up, Malfoy, so we can get back on deck." Harry growled, before grunting when he got his fingers caught.  
  
"I don't think I will, Potter." Draco spat, shaking the top'sl to undo all of Harry's previous work, though it undid his as well.  
  
"Stop it, Malfoy! You're only making more work for us!" Harry snapped, giving the blonde boy a slight shove for emphasis. This, however, wasn't such a brilliant idea, as the foot line (what they were perched on) began to swing dangerously, and they teetered.  
  
"Watch what you're doing!" Draco hissed, "Do you want to kill us all?"  
  
"Then stop undoing the work! I'd rather be able to actually get down from this yardarm soon then spend the entire night with you skylarking!" The yardarm, a big wooden pole attached to the mast (another big wooden pole stuck to the ship) held a sail, and Draco and Harry were currently bent over it, though not actually on it. He lied.  
  
"Why, Potter? Scared of falling? You're such a coward."  
  
"Take that back." Harry said, his eyes glaring so fiercely they seemed to bore holes into Draco's own.  
  
"No. It's the truth. You and your friend Weasley are both cowards. COWARDS." The last word prompted Harry's fist to connect with Draco's cheekbone, and soon two boys were dangling by their feet from the foot line, trying to get at each other with fists. The entire group of fifth year students all stopped what they were doing to watch the spectacle, and Hagrid turned just in time to notice.  
  
"MALFOY! HARRY! STOP THAT AT ONCE!" He yelled, but neither of them took notice, as one of Harry's feet slipped, and he was only holding on by one now.  
  
"Ron! Go fetch the Capt'n. Quickly now!" Hagrid said, and the red-head was off down the hatchway, never so eager to find Snape in his life.  
  
Snape came up within a couple minutes, looking livid; he pointed his wand up at the yardarm.  
  
"Windguardium LeviosUM." He cried, emphasising the last syllable, and the two boys floated downwards toward the deck. Once they touched deck, however, they didn't seem to stop, and Harry launched himself at Draco, and they were clawing at each other once again.  
  
"STOP IMMEDIATELY." Snape screamed, and there was a very sudden silence on board the ship Insufferable, and Harry and Draco slowly stood up, both unconsciously wiping their uniforms of dust.  
  
"You are to come to my cabin immediately, Mr. Potter. And you as well, Mr. Malfoy. And you both shall learn why I do not tolerate fighting aboard this ship." With that he stalked off, with Harry and Draco following silently behind him.  
  
T.B.C. 


End file.
